You Don’t Have to Agree About the Past to Move Forward

Divorce mediation can still be an option when spouses disagree about what happened during their marriage. Two people can share a marriage for many years and leave it with very different understandings of what happened. One may see themselves as having carried the financial burden of the family, while the other may see their contributions at home as having made the other spouse’s career possible. One may see the breakdown in communication as the reason the marriage ended, while the other may have an entirely different perspective.

So what does divorce mediation look like when spouses disagree about what happened during the marriage? The answer is that you don’t necessarily have to.

Mediation Doesn’t Require You to Agree About the Past

By the time couples come to mediation, many have been having some version of the same argument for years. Divorce is unlikely to suddenly produce agreement about who was right, and that isn’t what mediation requires.

A mediator does not determine who was right or wrong, who tried harder, or whose perspective on the marriage is correct. The decisions made in mediation belong to the people getting divorced. My role is to help clients identify the issues that need to be resolved, provide information as it applies to those issues, facilitate their discussions, and help them explore their options.

The goal isn’t to reach agreement about the past. It is to find a way to make decisions about the future.

From “What Happened?” to “What Do We Do Now?”

Consider a couple who has very different views about the sacrifices each made during the marriage. One spouse may say, “I put my career on hold for our family.” The other may respond, “I worked the hours I did because someone had to support us.”

There may be years of history behind those two statements. Each person may feel strongly that the other does not fully understand or appreciate what they contributed to the marriage. They may never agree about whose sacrifice was greater, but they do not necessarily have to settle that disagreement in order to make decisions about their divorce.

Instead, the conversation can shift to what needs to be decided now. What financial issues need to be resolved? What does the law provide? What options are available? What will each person’s financial circumstances look like after the divorce? As part of the mediation process, I will explain the applicable law so that clients have the information they need to make informed decisions. They may decide to follow the legal framework or, where permitted, agree on something different that works for them. Most importantly, they can make those decisions without first agreeing about whose version of the past is right

You Don’t Need the Same Story to Reach an Agreement

Reaching an agreement does not mean that two people suddenly see their marriage the same way. Each person can be heard and explain what is important to them and why, while continuing to have a different perspective about what happened during the marriage.

Some of those disagreements may never be resolved, and they don’t necessarily have to be. Mediation provides a process for identifying the issues that do need to be resolved, understanding the available options, and making informed decisions about what comes next.

Mediation allows you to acknowledge your different perspectives without requiring you to resolve them before making decisions about what comes next.