Understanding what an uncontested divorce is and how couples reach that point can help spouses make informed decisions about how to move forward.

What Is an Uncontested Divorce?

An uncontested divorce occurs when both spouses agree on all of the issues that must be resolved before their marriage can legally end. When there are no disputes for a judge to decide, the court’s role is primarily to review the paperwork and issue the final judgment of divorce.

In order for a divorce to be considered uncontested, the spouses must resolve matters such as the division of marital property and debts, whether spousal maintenance will be paid, and, if the couple has children, custody, parenting time, and child support.

When these issues are addressed through agreement rather than litigation, the divorce can move forward as an uncontested matter.

Grounds for Divorce in New York

Even when spouses agree that their marriage should end, New York law still requires a legally recognized ground for divorce.

The ground most commonly used in uncontested divorces is the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage for at least six months. This is often referred to as no fault divorce.

Under New York law, a divorce may be granted when the relationship between the spouses has broken down irretrievably for a period of at least six months. This allows couples to proceed with a divorce without proving misconduct by either spouse.

Residency Requirements in New York

Before filing for divorce, the New York courts must have jurisdiction over the case. In general terms, the residency requirement is satisfied if one spouse has lived in New York continuously for at least two years before filing for divorce. The requirement may also be satisfied if one spouse has lived in New York for at least one year and the marriage took place in New York or the spouses lived in the state during the marriage.

These residency rules determine whether the New York Supreme Court has authority to hear the divorce case.

Is an Uncontested Divorce the Same as Divorce Mediation?

Many people assume that an uncontested divorce simply means filing paperwork with the court. In reality, couples must first resolve the financial and parenting issues connected to their separation before the divorce can proceed uncontested.

For many families, those agreements are reached through divorce mediation. In mediation, a neutral mediator helps spouses discuss the issues involved in their divorce and work toward mutually acceptable solutions. When the mediator is also a lawyer familiar with New York divorce law, the mediator can help the couple understand the legal topics that must be addressed and assist with preparing the paperwork for filing an uncontested divorce.

Why Many Couples Choose an Uncontested Divorce

When spouses are able to cooperate, an uncontested divorce can offer several advantages. The process often costs less than a litigated divorce because it avoids prolonged court proceedings. The emphasis on cooperation can also reduce conflict and make it easier for spouses to focus on practical solutions.

Couples also maintain greater control over the outcome. Instead of having decisions imposed by a judge, they are able to create agreements that reflect their family’s circumstances and priorities.

A Collaborative Path Forward

For couples who are able to communicate and work toward solutions together, mediation can provide a constructive path toward reaching the agreements necessary for an uncontested divorce.

At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, the focus of the mediation process is to help couples have thoughtful conversations, resolve important issues in a respectful way, and move through the uncontested divorce process with clarity and confidence.

If you are considering divorce and would like to explore whether mediation may be a good fit for your situation, you are welcome to contact Peacemaker Divorce Mediation to schedule a consultation.

The Readiness Gap: When Partners Are at Different Emotional Stages

One common dynamic in divorce is a mismatch in readiness. Often, one partner has spent significant time considering separation, while the other is still processing the reality of the change. When the process moves forward before both parties feel emotionally prepared, communication can suffer and decision-making can become more difficult, particularly when children are involved.

Preparing for Mediation Through Emotional Support

Working with a mental health professional before mediation begins can help individuals clarify priorities, understand emotional responses, and prepare for difficult conversations. This support is not about accelerating divorce or steering outcomes. Rather, it can help create internal stability so that participation in mediation feels more manageable. For those who feel “behind,” this work can provide space to process the transition and engage more fully when discussions begin.

Staying Engaged During Difficult Mediation Conversations

During mediation, outside emotional support can help parties stay engaged when conversations become challenging. Mediation often requires sitting with discomfort, listening to differing perspectives, and making decisions with long-term implications. Having support between sessions can help individuals reflect, regain perspective, and return to mediation better able to participate constructively, especially in co-parenting situations where decisions will shape family relationships for years to come.

Supporting Parents as They Shift From Spouses to Co-Parents

For parents, emotional support can be particularly helpful in shifting focus from the end of a marital relationship to the beginning of a co-parenting relationship. Unresolved emotions can easily spill into parenting discussions. Support outside mediation can help parents separate personal hurt from parenting decisions, communicate more effectively, and begin building a co-parenting framework grounded in stability rather than conflict.

Divorce as a Multi-Phase Process With Changing Emotional Needs

Divorce is rarely a single event; it is a process with multiple phases, each carrying its own emotional demands. When individuals have appropriate support before, during, and after mediation, they are often better positioned to make informed decisions and create arrangements that hold up over time. While mediation provides a structured space for resolving legal and practical issues, emotional support outside that space can help ensure that the decisions made within it are realistic, sustainable, and aligned with long-term family well-being.

For many people, the holiday season feels like holding their breath. They move through gatherings, traditions, and expectations while quietly telling themselves they will deal with the harder questions later. When the calendar turns, that breath is released. The questions return, and the new year invites reflection about what is and is not sustainable in a relationship.

As a mediator, I see January not as an ending, but as a moment of honesty.

The idea of “Divorce Month” reflects a familiar rhythm. Early in the year, more people begin exploring separation or divorce after long periods of emotional holding. These are often conversations that come after months or years of private reflection, difficult discussions, and sometimes many therapy sessions spent trying to understand what might help, what might change, and what might not. By the time January arrives, the questions are rarely new. There is simply more space to listen to them.

When that clarity arrives, it can feel urgent, as though releasing a long held breath means everything must happen immediately. But January does not require fast decisions. Moving too quickly can heighten conflict, increase stress, and make future cooperation harder, especially for parents. Slowing down at the beginning often creates steadier ground for whatever comes next.

Mediation offers a gentler way forward during Divorce Month. It creates space to breathe, to think clearly, and to sort through options without pressure. For many people, mediation allows the process to begin with conversation rather than confrontation, and with care rather than urgency.

For parents, this approach can be especially grounding. Mediation helps protect children from adult conflict and supports co-parent relationships built on communication and respect from the very start.

If January has brought questions, you have been holding your breath to avoid, you are not alone. You do not need to have all the answers right now. You can begin with a conversation, not a confrontation. Mediation offers a way to move forward thoughtfully, with clarity and care, during a season of change.

When parents are creating a parenting time schedule, it is important to remember one grounding truth: Children want meaningful time with both of their parents, especially on holidays and special occasions.

Holidays and Meaningful Family Traditions

Families celebrate many different holidays throughout the year, some secular, some religious, and some deeply cultural, and each carries its own emotional importance. Holiday memories are often tied to rituals, familiar smells in the kitchen, specific songs, the way the house felt, and who was there during those moments.

Instead of feeling limited to alternating holidays year to year, parents can explore flexible approaches. Starting the holiday conversations early can help reduce stress and avoid last-minute conflict. It gives everyone time to process, plan, and helps the children feel secure knowing what to expect.

Some families divide the day into two parts so each parent shares meaningful time. Others alternate the holiday each year and then carve out an additional day close to the holiday for the other parent to celebrate with the children. This could look like Easter Saturday instead of only Easter Sunday, the day after Christmas for a relaxed second gift opening, or the second night of Hanukkah even if the other parent has the first night. Some families choose to share particularly meaningful parts of a tradition together such as lighting the menorah on the first night of Hanukkah (or the last night), participating in a Passover Seder, morning gift opening on Christmas, or a special holiday breakfast tradition the children strongly associate with both parents.

There is no single right schedule. The guiding question becomes: What structure will preserve connection, belonging, and childhood joy?

Birthdays

A child’s birthday is not just a date on a calendar. It is a day when they want to feel celebrated and loved by both parents. Most children want time with each parent on their birthday. Even if it is for a short period of time, children often feel grounded and secure when both parents show up for the day that celebrates them.

Parents’ birthdays can hold meaning too. Children often want to spend part of that day with the parent whose birthday it is, even if it is brief. It is part of honoring a continued connection and maintaining a sense of normalcy. These moments reinforce for children that even though the family structure has changed, both parents still play a significant and loving role in their lives.

The Heart of It All

Divorce changes the structure of a family. It does not have to take away a child’s memories of holidays, celebrations, and traditions. When parents stay focused on the children and make decisions with their needs at the center, holidays and special dates can remain joyful and meaningful.

The first holiday season after divorce can feel new, tender, and emotionally overwhelming for parents as well. While the focus is always the children, it is also okay to acknowledge when this feels hard for you too. Being mindful, gentle, and flexible with yourself can support your own healing and also model emotional resilience for your children as they adjust to new traditions and new rhythms.

How Mediation Can Support You

In mediation, parents have the space and flexibility to design holiday schedules in a thoughtful and intentional way. We explore what matters most to the children, we look at how the family traditionally celebrated before divorce, and we work together to determine what parts of those traditions can still be preserved and shared. The goal is to help both parents create a parenting plan that feels balanced, emotionally protective, and centered on the children’s best interests.

Mediation allows parents to consider different scheduling options, talk through emotional triggers that often come up around holidays, and create custom solutions the courts cannot provide. This is where thoughtful planning leads to confident decisions and peaceful memories for children.

The New Reality of Parenting Time

The traditional parenting schedule — weekends, alternating holidays, summer weeks — no longer tells the whole story. Many parents now work remotely, and children’s activities, communication, and even healthcare are increasingly coordinated online. Even communication between co-parents happens mostly through text, email, or apps.
That convenience can blur boundaries. Who decides whether a child can bring their gaming console or tablet to the other parent’s home? Who monitors screen time when devices go back and forth?

In mediation, these issues come up often — and they’re not trivial. Technology is woven into children’s lives. Clarifying expectations around its use is part of creating a peaceful and practical parenting plan.

Common Digital-Age Disputes

Parents are often surprised at how quickly these everyday issues can create conflict:

• Virtual visitation: One parent wants nightly FaceTime calls; the other feels it interrupts bedtime.
• Access to online accounts: Confusion over who holds passwords for school portals, therapy apps, or social media.
• Screen time and device use: Inconsistent rules between households leading to frustration and accusations of “unfair” parenting.
• Monitoring vs. privacy: Differing opinions about tracking apps, parental controls, and older children’s right to privacy.

These conflicts are modern, but the underlying issue is timeless: communication and consistency.

How Mediation Helps

Mediation gives parents space to discuss these new realities without turning them into new battlegrounds. Instead of relying on vague “use your best judgment” language, a mediator can help parents craft specific, balanced provisions that reflect their values and their child’s developmental needs.

For example:

• Setting agreed-upon times for virtual contact between homes.
• Establishing consistent screen-time limits or app restrictions.
• Defining how technology costs (devices, repairs, or replacements) will be shared.
• Outlining privacy expectations for teens’ online activity.

A well-designed parenting plan acknowledges that technology is part of modern family life — but ensures it doesn’t replace meaningful, in-person connection.

Tools That Support Co-Parenting

Fortunately, there are helpful apps that make digital co-parenting easier and more civil.
Platforms like OurFamilyWizard, AppClose, and Cozi centralize communication, calendars, and expense tracking in one place. They create a neutral, documented record of exchanges — reducing misunderstandings and keeping co-parenting businesslike.

The key is to treat these tools as supports, not substitutes, for respectful communication.

Final Thoughts

Co-parenting in the digital era requires more than sharing devices — it requires sharing values. The best parenting plans are not about controlling technology, but about using it intentionally to support stability, predictability, and connection.

At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, I help parents navigate these new challenges with clarity and cooperation. Technology will keep changing, but the goal remains the same: to raise children who feel loved, secure, and supported in both homes.

So what happens when something arises after divorce?

The Power of the Mediation Clause

Most mediated divorce agreements include a mediation clause, which requires the parties to first attempt to resolve any future disagreements through mediation before going to court. This is not just a formality—it’s a practical, cost-effective, and often emotionally easier way to handle post-divorce challenges.

If you didn’t go to court to end your marriage, why would you want to go to court after the fact? Returning to mediation can help you maintain control over the outcome and preserve a more peaceful co-parenting or post-divorce relationship.

Common Triggers for Post-Divorce Disputes

Life doesn’t stop changing after a divorce. Some common reasons former spouses may find themselves back at the table include:

Significant Financial Changes
A job loss, major medical expense, or change in income may make it difficult to continue paying (or receiving) the agreed-upon child support or spousal support.

A Child Changes Residences
When a child chooses to live primarily with the other parent, it can trigger the need to revisit parenting time, support, and even school district decisions.

The Parenting Plan No Longer Works
Schedules shift, children grow, activities and emotional needs evolve. What worked for a toddler or young child may not work for a teenager.

Relocation
One parent may wish to move for work, family, or a new relationship—raising questions about travel, visitation, or residential custody.

You Litigated Your Divorce—but Now Want a Different Approach
Even if your divorce was originally resolved through the court system, you can still choose mediation to address post-divorce issues. Mediation offers a more collaborative, cost-effective alternative than returning to litigation—and can help reduce conflict, especially when children are involved.

What Can Be Done?

If you’re facing one of these (or other) issues, mediation is often the best first step. A skilled mediator can help clarify misunderstandings, explore options, and facilitate a solution that works for both sides.

When both parties reach agreement on the necessary changes, an amendment to the original stipulation can be drafted. If appropriate, the revised agreement can be submitted to the Court to be “so ordered”, ensuring that it carries the same legal weight and enforceability as the original.

The Bottom Line

Mediation isn’t just for the divorce itself—it can be a useful tool well beyond the final signing of your agreement. When life changes, or when conflict re-emerges, you don’t have to resort to litigation. Instead, consider returning to the table with the same intention you started with (or a new intention, if you originally litigated): resolution, mutual respect, and moving forward.

If you’re experiencing post-divorce challenges and your agreement contains a mediation clause, or even if it doesn’t, reaching out to a mediator can be the most constructive way to handle what’s next.

Whether you’re contemplating divorce, already in the process, or simply curious about peaceful alternatives to courtroom battles, this episode will help you understand the heart of what I do at Peacemaker Divorce Mediation.

👉 Click here to listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts

Many people assume that a Will is enough to ensure their children will inherit what’s intended for them. But under New York law, that’s not always the case. If you’re remarried and don’t have a prenuptial (or postnuptial) agreement, your new spouse has a “right of election”—a statutory right to claim a portion of your estate, regardless of what your Will says. That means your children could unintentionally lose out on a significant portion of their expected inheritance.

Prenuptial agreements aren’t just for planning what happens in the event of death—they also provide critical protections in the event of divorce. This is especially important when children from a prior relationship are involved. Without a prenup, assets accumulated during the marriage may be subject to equitable distribution under New York law, potentially diverting resources away from your intended heirs.

The best way to address these concerns? A thoughtfully crafted prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, paired with careful estate planning and life insurance strategies.

Why a Prenup Matters in a Second Marriage

1. Protecting Inheritances for Children from a Prior Marriage
A prenup can identify and protect specific assets—like real estate, investments, or a family business—that you want to preserve for your children. This helps ensure they aren’t unintentionally diverted to your new spouse in the event of death or divorce.

2. Waiving the Spousal Right of Election
In New York, your spouse cannot be disinherited by Will alone. Only a written agreement, such as a prenup or postnup, can waive this statutory right. With a waiver in place, you can leave your assets to your children while providing intentionally for your spouse through other means.

3. Preventing the Loss of Gifts and Inheritances Through Commingling
While gifts and inheritances are considered separate property under New York law, that status can be lost if the assets are commingled—such as being deposited into joint accounts or used to pay for marital expenses. A prenup can preserve their separate status and prevent costly disputes.

4. Life Insurance Strategies to Balance Interests
A common solution is to use life insurance to provide for your new spouse while reserving your estate for your children. This approach can support a waiver of the right of election and avoid complications like life estates or shared ownership of real property.

5. Planning for Divorce, Not Just Death
While no one enters a marriage expecting it to end, planning for the possibility of divorce is a responsible step—especially when children from a prior marriage are counting on you.

A well-drafted prenup can:

• Protect Pre-Marital Assets: Specify that certain assets—like a pre-owned home, retirement accounts, or a business—remain separate property and outside the scope of marital distribution.
• Clarify Appreciation: Ensure that growth on certain assets (e.g., a 401(k) or investment account) remains your separate property and doesn’t become subject to division.
• Address Spousal Support: Set expectations for whether spousal support will be paid, in what amount, and for how long—protecting your ability to support children financially.
• Define Ownership of the Marital Home: Clarify rights to a residence you already own, so it doesn’t unintentionally become marital property.
• Reduce Conflict: With clear terms in place, both parties can avoid prolonged legal disputes—minimizing financial and emotional costs, especially for children.

Final Thoughts: Peace of Mind Through Planning

This isn’t about anticipating failure—it’s about protecting everyone involved and setting the stage for a secure future. With the right prenup, supported by life insurance and estate planning strategies, you can care for your spouse, protect your children, and make sure your wishes are honored with clarity and compassion.

One of the most common questions couples ask during divorce mediation is: “Do we need attorneys?” The answer isn’t a simple yes or no—it’s more about when and what kind of attorney involvement can be helpful without derailing the progress you’ve made through mediation.

Mediation Is Not Litigation—And That Matters

Unlike litigation, where attorneys advocate for each side in a courtroom, mediation is a voluntary, non-adversarial process where the couple works together to reach mutually acceptable terms. The mediator is a neutral facilitator—not a judge and not a legal advisor to either party. That’s why some divorcing couples choose to consult with a review attorney to ensure they fully understand the legal implications of their agreements.

But not just any attorney will do.

Choose a Mediation-Friendly Review Attorney

When bringing an attorney into the mediation process, it’s crucial to choose someone who respects the integrity of the process and supports your goal of staying out of court. A mediation-friendly review attorney understands that their role is not to rewrite the agreement or insert conflict, but to:

• Educate you on your rights and obligations under the law
• Flag any legal issues or language that may be problematic down the road
• Ensure you are making informed decisions—not out of fear, but with clarity and confidence

In contrast, a litigation-focused attorney may view mediation as incomplete or untrustworthy. Their instinct may be to dismantle the agreement, raise alarm bells, or prepare for a courtroom showdown—sometimes unnecessarily. This can undo all the thoughtful, cooperative work you and your spouse have done, and create exactly the kind of conflict you hoped to avoid.

Language Matters: Avoid “My Attorney Said…”

One of the biggest pitfalls in mediation is using language that creates defensiveness or introduces threat. Phrases like “my attorney said I should never agree to this” or “my lawyer told me to fight for more” immediately shift the tone from cooperative to combative. While it’s perfectly reasonable to seek legal guidance, invoking an attorney’s authority in the mediation room often feels like a challenge to the other person—one that invites escalation.

This kind of language can:

• Undermine the progress you’ve made
• Trigger emotional reactions and defensiveness
• Suggest the presence of threats or ultimatums
• Diminish the couple’s sense of ownership over the process

Instead of saying “my attorney said,” consider:

• “I had some concerns and wanted to better understand this part.”
• “There’s a part I’d like to revisit after getting some advice—I want to be sure it’s fair to both of us.”
• “I got some legal input on this part, and I’d like to understand how it fits into what we’ve been working on together.”

These phrases keep the conversation grounded in curiosity and shared goals, rather than fear or confrontation. The words you choose matter. Mediation works best when both people feel safe, respected, and heard. Threatening language—intentional or not—can bring the process to a halt and undo all the progress you’ve made.

When Should You Bring in a Review Attorney?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are a few common approaches:

1. At the End: Many couples wait until the mediation process is complete and have a review attorney look over the final draft of the settlement agreement before signing. This is often the most efficient and cost-effective option.
2. Periodically Throughout: Others may want to consult with a mediation-friendly attorney at key stages of the process—especially when navigating more complex financial or parenting issues. This can be helpful as long as the attorney’s involvement remains constructive and doesn’t interfere with the collaborative tone.
3. Only if Needed: Some parties feel confident proceeding without legal input unless a specific legal question arises. In that case, a brief consultation with an attorney can be helpful for peace of mind.

Preserve What You’ve Built

If you’ve worked hard to reach fair, workable terms in mediation, don’t let your efforts be undone by an attorney who doesn’t share your goal of resolving matters peacefully. The right review attorney will support your choices, not steer you into battle. After all, mediation is about ownership—your decisions, your agreement, your next chapter.

Final Thought

You can have both legal peace of mind and a low-conflict resolution. The key is selecting an attorney who respects the mediation process and your desire to move forward without unnecessary conflict. Avoid language that reintroduces conflict or stirs fear. Mediation is not about winning or losing—it’s about closing one chapter and beginning the next with dignity and clarity. Choose professional support that honors that goal.

Mediation: A Neutral Approach to Divorce

In divorce mediation, a neutral third-party mediator helps spouses come to an agreement on the various issues in their divorce, including asset division, parenting time, and support. The mediator does not take sides and does not offer legal advice but can provide legal information to help the spouses understand the law and the implications of their decisions. The mediator’s role is to facilitate open communication between the spouses, helping them reach a mutually agreeable settlement.

One of the key benefits of mediation is flexibility. The process allows couples to work together at their own pace and develop solutions tailored to their unique needs. It’s typically quicker and far less expensive than traditional divorce litigation.

While mediation typically involves just the spouses and the mediator, it is common for both spouses to retain independent legal counsel after the mediation sessions are completed. These mediation-friendly review attorneys ensure that the divorce settlement agreement protects the individual interests of each spouse before signing the final agreement. These attorneys focus on supporting the cooperative nature of mediation, offering a review without creating conflict.

For couples with more complex financial matters, it is also common to include a financial neutral, such as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), to assist in valuing assets, or helping with tax implications. Additionally, mediators can bring in other professionals as needed, such as a mental health professional to assist with parenting plans, emotional support, or communication strategies. Mediation remains a confidential process, ensuring that any discussions or negotiations cannot be used in court in the unlikely event that mediation is not successful.

Collaborative Law: A Team Approach to Divorce

Collaborative law is another alternative divorce process that emphasizes cooperation. However, unlike mediation, collaborative law requires each spouse to be represented by their own attorney who is specifically trained in the collaborative process. These attorneys work together as a team, with the goal of reaching a settlement that is fair to both parties without the need for court involvement.

The collaborative divorce process often includes a team of professionals beyond just the attorneys. A mental health professional is part of the process from the onset and can help with parenting plans, emotional support, and improving communication between the spouses. This added support is beneficial for couples who may need assistance in managing emotions or navigating difficult conversations.

In collaborative law, both spouses and their attorneys sign a participation agreement that outlines the commitment to settle out of court. If the parties cannot reach an agreement and litigation becomes necessary, the attorneys involved in the collaborative process are disqualified from representing either spouse in court. This ensures that everyone is fully committed to the collaborative process and avoids any conflict of interest.

Like mediation, collaborative law is also a confidential process, with all discussions and negotiations protected from being used in court. This confidentiality fosters a safer, more open environment where both spouses can freely share their concerns and priorities.

Which Process is Right for You?

Choosing between mediation and collaborative law depends on your individual needs and preferences. Mediation is often a good choice for couples who are able to communicate but need some help navigating the complexities of divorce. It allows for a more flexible and cost-effective approach while providing an opportunity for both spouses to retain their autonomy. Mediators can also bring in a CDFA or other professionals if needed to assist with financial matters or emotional support.

Collaborative law, on the other hand, may be more appropriate for couples who need additional support throughout the process. In collaborative law, professionals such as financial neutrals and mental health professionals are part of the process from the beginning, making it a great choice for those who want a more structured team-based approach.

Both mediation and collaborative law are confidential processes that aim to keep your personal matters out of the courtroom. They both encourage cooperation and negotiation, but it’s important to note that litigation should always be a last resort. By choosing mediation or collaborative law, you are choosing a path that prioritizes resolution over conflict and helps you move forward with dignity and respect.

At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, we are committed to helping you explore these alternatives and make the best choice for your family. If you’re ready to take the next step in your divorce process, reach out today to schedule a consultation. Together, we’ll help you navigate this challenging time with clarity and confidence.

As a divorce mediator—and as someone who has been through divorce myself—I know how emotionally complex post-divorce relationships can be. But I also know they can be managed with grace and intention. Here are some practical tips to help you foster a positive dynamic with your ex—especially after a successful mediation:

1. Commit to Respectful Communication

You don’t need to be best friends, but you do need to be civil. Speak to your ex the way you’d want someone to speak to you. If emotions start to rise, take a pause before responding. Texts and emails can be helpful tools when face-to-face or phone conversations are challenging—just keep the tone clear, neutral, and focused on facts or logistics.

For co-parents, consider using a parenting app like Our Family Wizard, Talking Parents, or 2Houses. These tools help organize communication, scheduling, and documentation in one place, creating structure and reducing misunderstandings.

2. Stick to the Agreement

Your mediated agreement is more than a legal document—it’s a roadmap. Honor it. If you’ve agreed to certain parenting schedules, financial responsibilities, or communication protocols, follow through consistently. Predictability and reliability go a long way in rebuilding trust and avoiding future conflict.

However, if your schedules have shifted or the parenting arrangement no longer fits your family’s needs, don’t hesitate to raise it with your co-parent. You can try to adjust things collaboratively—or return to mediation for a supportive, neutral environment where both voices can be heard and respected.

3. Separate the Past from the Present

It’s tempting to revisit old arguments when new frustrations arise but resist the urge. What’s done is done. Post-divorce interactions should focus on current responsibilities and future goals—especially when it comes to your children.

If you find yourself struggling to let go of past pain, consider working with a therapist, a divorce coach, or another support professional. They can help you unpack the emotional weight of your marriage and give you tools to move forward without dragging the past into present-day exchanges with your ex.

4. Make Co-Parenting Child-Centered

Children thrive when they’re not caught in the crossfire. Let them love both of you freely. Share important updates. Coordinate routines when possible. Avoid bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids—even if they vent about them to you. Be the adult they can count on to rise above conflict.

Keep in mind the principles of the Children’s Bill of Rights, a document developed to help guide divorced and separated parents. Kids have the right to love both parents without guilt or pressure. They have the right not to be messengers or referees. They deserve the security of knowing their needs will be prioritized above adult grievances. When co-parents honor these rights, they foster emotional stability and resilience in their children.

5. Set Boundaries—and Respect Theirs

Healthy boundaries are key. Be clear with your ex about what works for you in terms of communication frequency, drop-offs, holidays, and more. If they set a boundary, honor it. Boundaries aren’t meant to shut people out—they’re meant to protect emotional well being and create clarity.

And remember, boundaries go both ways. If your ex expresses discomfort with certain topics or prefers a particular communication method, listen with respect. Showing that you’re willing to adapt—within reason—can help keep things civil and prevent future misunderstandings.

6. Let Go of the Need to “Win”

Divorce isn’t a competition. You don’t get extra points for being the more fun parent or the more successful co-parent. Let go of the scoreboard mentality. Cooperation—rather than control—is what creates long-term peace.

Instead of trying to prove a point or be “right,” focus on what actually works for your family. Ask yourself: will this matter in six months? A year? Most post-divorce tension comes from trying to re-litigate old battles. The real win is when your children feel secure, and you both feel respected.

If your co-parent asks for a change in the schedule—whether it’s a swap of days or help with coverage—my rule of thumb is simple: ask yourself, “Can I do this?” If the answer is yes, then your answer should be yes. Flexibility now builds goodwill for the future, and reinforces that this is still a team effort, even if the marriage has ended.

7. Give It Time

Healing isn’t linear, and post-divorce relationships take time to stabilize. Early bumps in the road are normal. Don’t panic if things don’t feel seamless right away.

Try to treat your post-divorce relationship like a new partnership—with patience, consistency, and clear expectations. Celebrate small wins: a calm conversation, a flexible schedule change, or your child coming home content after time with the other parent. These moments build trust over time and remind you that progress, not perfection, is the goal.

Final Thoughts

At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, my goal is always to lay the foundation for long-term peace—not just to get you to the finish line of a divorce, but to help you build a workable future on the other side. And having been through divorce myself, I can assure you: peace after divorce is possible. It may not happen overnight, but with intention, patience, and mutual respect, it can absolutely be achieved.

1. Organize Your Financial Information

Mediation requires full financial disclosure, whether you and your spouse are dividing your assets or waiving your rights to some of all of your spouses assets. Before your first mediation session, gather all relevant financial statements, including:

• Bank accounts (checking, savings, money market, etc.)
• Brokerage and investment accounts
• Retirement accounts (401(k), IRA, pensions, etc.)
• Debts (mortgages, home equity lines of credit, credit cards, car loans, personal loans, student loans)

If some of your retirement assets are pre-marital and therefore not subject to division, try to obtain statements showing balances on or around the date of your marriage. In some cases, consulting a financial professional may be necessary to help quantify the pre-marital assets.

2. Consider Living Arrangements

One of the most important decisions in a divorce is determining future living arrangements. Key considerations include:

• Where will the children primarily reside?
• Will the marital home be sold, or will one spouse buy out the other?
• If you are keeping the home jointly, how long will this arrangement last (e.g., until the children graduate high school, college, or some other arrangement)?
• What are your anticipated housing costs for living separately?

3. Prepare Monthly Budgets

Understanding your post-divorce financial situation will help you make informed decisions during mediation. Prepare separate monthly budgets that account for your anticipated living expenses, including housing, utilities, groceries, insurance, childcare, and other recurring costs.

4. Think About Parenting Schedules

If you have children, it’s helpful to consider a parenting schedule before mediation. Think about:

• How will parenting time be divided during the week and weekends?
• How will holidays and vacations be shared?
• What arrangements will be made for transportation and school schedules?

5. Maximize the Efficiency of Mediation

While all of these matters can be worked out during mediation, preparing in advance will make the process more efficient and productive. Having documentation and preliminary ideas ready can help you focus on resolving issues rather than gathering information during the sessions.

Reach Out for Guidance

At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, we understand that preparing for mediation can feel overwhelming. If you need guidance or have questions about the process, we’re here to help. Contact us to learn more about how mediation can work for you!

Developing Budgets to Support Settlement Negotiations
A crucial part of divorce mediation is ensuring that both parties understand their financial realities post-divorce. A financial professional can assist in developing comprehensive budgets that reflect each party’s income, expenses, and financial obligations. This helps in setting realistic expectations and provides a solid foundation for negotiating a settlement that supports both parties’ needs.

Understanding and Valuing Different Types of Assets
Dividing assets in a divorce isn’t just about splitting everything down the middle. Financial professionals bring clarity to the process by identifying and valuing a wide range of assets, including:

• Real property values (homes, vacation properties, rental properties)
• Retirement accounts (pensions, 401(k), 403(b), IRAs)
• Investment accounts (brokerage accounts, stocks, bonds)
• Cash accounts (savings, checking)
• Life insurance policies (with cash value components)

Their expertise ensures that all assets are accurately valued and fairly considered in the settlement.

Distinguishing Between Taxable and Non-Taxable Assets
Not all assets are created equal. A financial professional helps distinguish between taxable and non-taxable assets, an essential step when trading non-similar assets. For example, $50,000 in a retirement account isn’t equivalent to $50,000 in a savings account due to potential tax implications and penalties for early withdrawal. Understanding these differences helps couples make informed decisions about how to divide assets equitably.

Determining Pre-Marital Asset Values
Another critical role of a financial professional is determining the pre-marital value of assets. This is especially important when one party brought significant assets into the marriage. By clearly identifying what portion of an asset is considered separate property, the process of equitable distribution becomes smoother and more transparent.

Managing Beneficiary Designations
Divorce often necessitates changes in beneficiary designations on life insurance policies, retirement accounts, and other financial instruments. A financial professional ensures that these updates are handled properly, preventing potential conflicts or legal issues down the line.

Post-Divorce Financial Planning
The support of a financial professional doesn’t end with the finalization of the divorce. Going forward, they can help both parties develop investment and retirement strategies that align with their new financial situations. This forward-looking approach provides peace of mind and helps individuals rebuild their financial futures with confidence.

Conclusion: The Value of Working with a Financial Professional
Divorce mediation aims to create a fair and amicable resolution and incorporating a financial professional into the process can make a significant difference. From clarifying complex financial matters to helping plan for the future, their expertise ensures that both parties are equipped to make informed decisions. Ultimately, working with a financial professional can lead to more equitable outcomes and set the stage for long-term financial stability.

Here’s how a mental health professional can assist before, during, and after the divorce mediation process:

Before Divorce: Gaining Clarity and Emotional Preparedness
For many, the decision to divorce is not made lightly. Mental health professionals can work with individuals or couples to explore whether ending the marriage is truly the best course of action. They help clients:

• Reflect on the state of their relationship.
• Identify whether the issues at hand are resolvable or if divorce is in the best interests of everyone involved, including children.
• Prepare emotionally for what lies ahead, creating a foundation of resilience before entering mediation.

This stage is about gaining clarity and ensuring that the decision to divorce is thoughtful and intentional, rather than impulsive or driven solely by heightened emotions.

During Divorce Mediation: Emotional Regulation and Constructive Communication
The divorce mediation process is designed to facilitate open, respectful communication between separating partners, but emotions can run high. A mental health professional can serve as a critical support system during this time by:

• Helping clients manage intense feelings such as anger, sadness, or fear, which can hinder productive discussions.
• Acting as a sounding board, offering neutral guidance to help individuals stay focused on long-term goals rather than being caught up in the heat of the moment.
• Teaching techniques for effective communication, particularly in high-conflict situations, to ensure that the mediation process remains collaborative and solutions-focused.

With the support of a mental health professional, individuals are better equipped to engage in mediation in a calm and constructive manner, increasing the likelihood of a successful outcome.

After Divorce: Transitioning to a New Chapter
The period following a divorce is often a time of significant change and adjustment. A mental health professional can help individuals navigate this transition by:

• Supporting the emotional adjustment to single life, which may include addressing feelings of grief, loneliness, or uncertainty about the future.
• Assisting with co-parenting strategies to foster a healthy environment for children, including managing conflicts with an ex-partner and prioritizing the well-being of the children.
• Encouraging personal growth and helping individuals rebuild their confidence and sense of identity.

Post-divorce support ensures that individuals can move forward with a sense of hope and empowerment, even in the face of challenges.

The Benefits of Mental Health Support in Divorce
Working with a mental health professional is not just about addressing emotional struggles—it’s about fostering resilience and ensuring a smoother process for everyone involved. Divorce impacts not only the separating couple but also their children, extended family, and social circle. By seeking professional support, individuals and families can navigate the journey with greater understanding, stability, and emotional health.

Whether you’re contemplating divorce, in the midst of mediation, or adjusting to post-divorce life, a mental health professional can be a valuable partner in helping you achieve a healthier, more positive outcome.

If you’re interested in learning more about how avoiding court can benefit your divorce, I would love to hear from you!

Divorce and Autism: Some Unique Considerations
There is a saying: “If you’ve met one child with autism, then you’ve met one child with autism.” This statement could not be more true—and those of you who are raising a child with autism know exactly what this means.

Divorce knows no boundaries and is indeed a reality for many families raising a child (or children) on the autism spectrum. Because autism is not a “one size fits all” condition and each child is completely unique, there are many special considerations to address when negotiating a divorce settlement. These considerations go beyond the obvious, such as living arrangements and special accommodations, and include detailed planning for treatment and transitioning to adulthood.

Treatment for Autism
Treatment for autism is an extremely important element to discuss as part of a divorce settlement. To this very day, we are still uncertain about the cause or causes of autism and have yet to find a cure. However, there are many treatments and therapies that help children with autism. In my experience as the mother of a child with autism, many of these treatments and therapies, while necessary and extremely helpful, are not covered by insurance.

The first consideration is whether the parents agree on what types of treatments, therapies, special diets and supplements, alternative medicine doctors, etc. (collectively “treatments”) to expose their child to. If they do agree, then it is important to identify whether those treatments are covered by insurance. If it is clear that they are not, then the next point of discussion should be how to divide such costs. Simply referring to “non-reimbursed medical expenses” in the divorce agreement will not be clear enough, since many treatments are not considered “mainstream”—especially when treatment includes special diets and supplements such as vitamins and minerals, all of which are extremely costly.

If the parents do not agree on the types of treatments, the agreement should reflect a method for making these decisions going forward. Is one parent more autism-educated than the other, making them the better decision-maker? Should decisions be made on an ongoing basis as new innovations are introduced for the treatment of autism? Or is there a doctor or practitioner specializing in autism that both parents trust to offer sound advice and counsel? This is an ever-changing field of study, and new treatment options are constantly being explored.

Transitioning to Adulthood
Another critical point of consideration is developing a plan to help transition the child with autism to adulthood. It is important to plan for all scenarios and address:

1. Whether the individual with autism is able to live independently;
2. Whether the individual with autism can live independently with some support (financial, personal, or both);
3. Whether the individual with autism needs constant support into and beyond adulthood.

Some children with autism grow to be very independent and obtain a driver’s license, attend college, and hold down a full-time job; others may fall somewhere below this level of independence and may live on their own but not be able to financially sustain a life of independence. Still, others may always need to live in a supportive environment that provides both personal care and financial support.

If the child transitioning to adulthood needs constant support, is a group home environment an option, or could the child continue to live with one or both parents into adulthood? If so, what about the out-of-pocket additional costs?

Will the child transitioning into adulthood qualify for government benefits? Depending on the degree of disability, an adult with autism may or may not qualify for government benefits. Even if they do qualify, the dollar amount of benefits they are eligible for may not be enough to sustain a standard of living. In determining which, if any, government benefits are available, the parents will need to consult with a special needs attorney specializing in helping families with autism.

All of this means that the parents may very well need to develop a plan to support the child into and throughout adulthood, which often requires extending support past the age of emancipation.

Collaborative Divorce: A Tailored Approach
Collaborative divorce is a team-based approach to resolving divorce-related issues without going to court. In this process, each spouse hires their own collaboratively trained attorney, and the parents commit to resolving their differences respectfully and cooperatively. The collaborative team may include other professionals, such as child specialists, financial neutrals, or divorce coaches, who bring their expertise to ensure all aspects of the divorce are handled thoughtfully.

This approach is particularly beneficial for families with children who have special needs. Collaborative divorce emphasizes open communication, creative problem-solving, and customized solutions—qualities that are essential when addressing the specific challenges of co-parenting a child with unique requirements.

Benefits of Collaborative Divorce for Parents of Children with Autism

1. Customized Parenting Plans: Collaborative divorce allows parents to create parenting plans that consider the child’s medical, educational, and therapeutic needs. This level of detail is often difficult to achieve in a courtroom setting.
2. Focus on Long-Term Cooperation: The collaborative process encourages parents to work together to maintain a stable and supportive environment for their child. This cooperative approach helps preserve a working relationship, which is crucial for ongoing joint decision-making.
3. Involvement of Experts: Professionals such as child specialists or therapists can provide guidance on how to structure parenting arrangements that prioritize the well-being of the child. They can also offer strategies to help the child adapt to the changes brought about by divorce.
4. Flexibility: Unlike litigation, collaborative divorce offers the flexibility to address evolving needs. As a child grows, their requirements may change, and a collaborative framework makes it easier to revisit and adjust agreements.
5. Reduced Stress: Court proceedings can be stressful and intimidating. The collaborative approach fosters a less adversarial atmosphere, minimizing stress for both parents and children.

Mediation as an Alternative
Mediation is another effective way to resolve divorce-related issues outside of court. In mediation, a neutral third party—the mediator—facilitates discussions between spouses to help them reach mutually acceptable agreements. Like collaborative divorce, mediation prioritizes cooperation and communication, making it a valuable option for parents of children with autism or other special needs.

Conclusion
Choosing a collaborative divorce or mediation can make a world of difference for families navigating the challenges of divorce. These approaches not only provide a more peaceful path forward but also ensure that the unique needs of your child remain at the center of every decision. With careful planning and the right support, parents can work together to provide the best possible future for their child with autism.

If you’re interested in learning more about how avoiding court can benefit your divorce, I would love to hear from you!

1. A Focus on Amicable Resolutions
Unlike traditional divorce, which often pits spouses against each other in court, Peacemaker Divorce Mediation encourages open dialogue and mutual understanding. In mediation, the goal is to help you work together to reach agreements that reflect your unique needs and priorities.

2. Neutral and Supportive Guidance
As a mediator and attorney, I serve as a neutral facilitator, guiding both parties through the decision-making process without taking sides. My role is to ensure discussions remain productive and focused on solutions, not conflict.

3. Cost-Effective and Time-Saving
Traditional divorce can involve lengthy court battles and exorbitant legal fees. Mediation, by contrast, is a more affordable option that helps you avoid the emotional and financial toll of prolonged litigation. Most mediation cases are resolved in weeks or months, not years.

4. Empowering Couples to Make Their Own Decisions
In litigation, a judge determines key aspects of your divorce, including asset division and parenting arrangements. At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, you and your spouse retain control, crafting agreements that work best for your family’s unique circumstances.

5. A Child-Centered Approach
Divorce can be particularly challenging for children. Mediation helps minimize conflict and shields children from the emotional strain of contentious court battles. We work with you to develop parenting plans that prioritize your children’s well-being and stability.

6. Confidentiality and Privacy
Court proceedings are public, but mediation is a private process. At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, your discussions remain confidential, giving you a safe space to address sensitive issues without fear of public exposure.

7. Tailored Solutions for Complex Situations
Every family is unique, and cookie-cutter solutions often fall short. Whether you’re navigating co-parenting arrangements, dividing complex assets, or addressing spousal support, our mediation process is customized to meet your specific needs.

8. A Holistic Perspective on Divorce
At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, we understand that divorce isn’t just a legal process—it’s a life transition. We strive to help you move forward with dignity, clarity, and a sense of peace, ensuring that your post-divorce life begins on the right foot.

Choosing Peace Over Conflict
Divorce doesn’t have to be a battle. At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, we believe that respectful communication and collaborative problem-solving are the keys to a more positive outcome for everyone involved.

If you’re considering divorce mediation, contact us today to learn how we can help you create a new beginning, free from unnecessary conflict.

Divorce Mediation
Divorce mediation involves a neutral third party, known as a mediator, who assists the divorcing couple in navigating the divorce process. The mediator facilitates discussions but does not provide legal or financial advice. Instead, the couple has the flexibility to bring in additional professionals—such as consulting attorneys, financial advisors, or tax experts—if needed, to provide specialized guidance.

One of the key advantages of mediation is that both parties retain complete control over the outcome and can set the pace of the discussions. Moreover, no court appearances are necessary. The mediator fosters an environment of open communication, encouraging cooperation and reducing conflict. Once all issues are resolved, the mediator—if qualified as an attorney—can draft a legally enforceable divorce settlement agreement for the couple to sign.
Mediation is typically the most cost-effective option among the three processes, helping couples save both time and money while reaching a fair resolution.

Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative divorce takes a team-based approach. Each spouse is represented by their own collaborative attorney who provides personalized legal advice throughout the process. This method includes a team of professionals, such as mental health specialists and financial experts, who work together to assist the couple in reaching a resolution.

Key aspects of collaborative divorce include:

• Signing a participation agreement, which states that if the process breaks down, the attorneys will not represent the parties in litigation.
• A series of meetings involving the entire team, along with individual sessions with each professional, as well as meetings with each party and their respective attorney.

Similar to mediation, the pace and outcome are determined by the parties, and no court appearances are necessary. Once an agreement is reached, one attorney will draft the divorce settlement agreement.

While collaborative divorce is generally more expensive than mediation because more professionals are involved in the process, it remains significantly less costly and more flexible than litigation.

Litigation
Litigation is a court-based approach where each spouse hires their own attorney to represent them throughout the court process. A judge is assigned to the case, and strict procedural guidelines must be followed. This method includes, but is not limited to:

• Mandatory court appearances
• Discovery, involving the exchange of information and documents
• Depositions of the parties and other third parties
• Other court-mandated procedures, such as parent training, appointing an attorney for the children, etc.

Although negotiations may occur, if the parties cannot reach an agreement, the judge will make the final decisions regarding asset division, legal and residential custody, parenting arrangements, support, and other crucial issues. Unfortunately, litigation offers little control to the parties and requires court appearances. This process can be time-consuming, sometimes taking years to conclude, with costs potentially reaching in the tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. All of this said, if one of the parties is not agreeable to using mediation or collaboration, litigation may be the only option.

Making Your Choice
When selecting a divorce process, weigh the pros and cons of each option carefully. Consider your unique circumstances, the level of control you wish to maintain, and your budget. Each process can lead to a resolution, but the path you choose can significantly impact your experience and outcome.

If you have any further questions about this article or the divorce mediation or collaborative divorce processes, I would love to hear from you.

Below are some of the most frequently asked questions about divorce mediation:

1. What is divorce mediation?
   Divorce mediation is a process where a neutral third party, known as a mediator, assists couples in negotiating and resolving various aspects of their divorce, such as property division, child custody, and spousal support. The mediator helps facilitate communication and ensures both parties can express their concerns and reach fair agreements.
2. How does divorce mediation work?
   In mediation, the mediator guides discussions between the spouses to help them arrive at a mutually satisfactory solution. The process typically involves several sessions where the mediator identifies key issues, encourages compromise, and helps both parties explore their options. If the mediator is also an attorney, they will explain the legal implications to ensure the couple makes informed decisions.
3. How long does divorce mediation take?
   The length of mediation varies depending on the complexity of the issues and the level of cooperation between the spouses. Some cases may be resolved in just a few sessions, while others may take several months.
4. How much does divorce mediation cost?
   Costs vary based on the mediator’s fees and the number of sessions needed. However, mediation is generally much more affordable than a contested divorce, which can involve extensive court proceedings and higher attorney fees.
5. Is what I say in mediation confidential?
   Yes, mediation sessions are typically confidential. Mediators cannot disclose what is discussed without both parties’ consent. Additionally, if mediation is unsuccessful, the mediator’s notes and records are usually inadmissible in court. However, this confidentiality does not apply to illegal activities or threats of harm.
6. Can I still go to court if mediation doesn’t work?
   Yes. Mediation is a voluntary process, and if it does not result in a resolution, either party can choose to take the case to court.
7. Do I need an attorney for mediation?
   While it’s not required to have an attorney during mediation, having one can be beneficial. An attorney can offer legal advice, help you understand your rights, and ensure that any agreements made in mediation are fair and legally binding. It’s advisable to select a “mediation-friendly” attorney who supports the collaborative nature of the process.
8. Should I involve a financial professional?
   In cases where financial matters are complex or additional guidance is needed, a financial expert can be brought into the mediation process to help both parties understand their financial situation.
9. Do I need a parenting or child expert?
   In high-conflict cases, it may be helpful to involve a parenting expert to assist with creating parenting schedules and improving ongoing co-parenting communication.
10. How is the final agreement from mediation enforced?
    Once an agreement is reached through mediation, it is formalized in a written document signed by both spouses. In New York, this agreement is then submitted to the court along with the requisite uncontested divorce documents. Once approved, it becomes a legally binding court order. If one party does not comply, the other can seek enforcement through the court.

These FAQs address some of the most common concerns about divorce mediation. If you’re considering divorce, this information should help you better understand the mediation process and how it may offer a more peaceful and cost-effective alternative to litigation.

If you have any further questions about this article or the divorce mediation process, I’d love to hear from you.

Below are some helpful tips for informing your children about your divorce or legal separation:

• Both Parents Should Be Present: It’s crucial that both parents are present when having this conversation. This shows a united front and provides reassurance to the children.
  
• Consider the Timing: If possible, wait until you have clarity about the logistics of the living situation before talking to the children. Being able to answer questions such as who will be moving out, where they will be moving to, and where the children will reside can help alleviate some of the uncertainty your children might feel.
• Present the Decision as Mutual: Let the children know that the decision to divorce or separate was mutual and that they are not expected to take sides. Avoid placing blame on either parent, even if one wanted the divorce and the other did not.
• Reassure the Children: It’s vital to convey to the children that they did nothing to cause the divorce. They need to understand that this decision was made by the adults and that there is nothing they could have done or should do to change it.
• Emphasize Parental Love: Reassure the children that both parents love them and that this love will never change. Explain that although the parents no longer love each other in the way that married people do, they still care about each other and will continue to co-parent.
• Encourage Open Communication: Make it clear that the divorce or separation is not a secret. Let the children know they are free to talk about it with their friends or anyone else they feel comfortable with.
• Make the Transition Positive: If the children will be living in two different homes, involve them in making the new spaces their own. For example, let them choose the color of their new room or help decorate the space to make it feel like home.
• Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let the children know it’s okay to feel sad about the situation. If the parents are feeling sad too, it’s okay to share that. If possible, let the children know that even though their parents will be living apart, they are still a family and will continue to do things together as a family.
• Encourage Questions: The news of a divorce or separation may come as a surprise to the children, or it might confirm what they already suspected. Encourage them to ask any questions they might have and ensure they feel comfortable doing so.

When discussing your divorce or legal separation with your children, remember that they will take cues from you. It’s best to wait until both parents are emotionally settled and aligned on the key messages to convey. By following these tips, you can deliver this difficult news in a healthy and calm manner, laying the groundwork for successful co-parenting in the future.

As always if you have any questions about this article, divorce mediation, or the divorce mediation process, I welcome your questions and would love to hear from you.

There are two types of Maintenance. The first is “temporary” maintenance which a court may award to the lesser income spouse while a divorce action is pending. The second is “post-divorce” maintenance, which a court may award following the action of divorce — or in the case of a non-litigated divorce, the parties may agree to it as part of their divorce settlement pursuant to mediation or collaboration.

The guidelines provide two formulas to calculate the amount of maintenance to be paid: a lower formula and a higher formula. The lower formula calculation will be applicable where there are children and child support is being paid by the maintenance payor. However, if the maintenance payor will not be paying child support, then the higher formula will apply.

Here are a few things to be aware of:

• Maintenance isn’t always triggered just because one spouse has a greater income than the other spouse. There generally needs to be a 30% difference in income for maintenance to be triggered. For example, if the higher-income spouse is making $100,000 annually and the lower-income spouse is making $85,000 annually, maintenance will not be applicable in that case.
• As of the date of this post, there is also an income cap of $228,000 for the maintenance payor’s income. This means that the formula will only use the payor’s income up to a cap of $228,000 when calculating the amount to be paid by one spouse to another. That said, when a court awards maintenance, they consider not only the cap, but also 15 other factors
  
• Some of these factors include the age and health of the parties, the present or future earning capacity of the parties, the need of further education and training of one of the parties, in addition to many others. See DRL Section 236 B(6)(E)(1). Based upon these factors, a court has the discretion to adjust the maintenance amount upwards in excess of the cap, or downwards.

• The duration of maintenance (i.e., how long the payor will need to make payments to the payee) is based not only on the 15 factors previously mentioned but also considers an “Advisory Schedule for the Duration of Maintenance.” This advisory schedule ranges from 15% of the length of marriage (for shorter marriages) to 50% of the length of marriage (for longer marriages). For example, for a 20-year marriage, the payor may be required to pay maintenance for 10 years (50% of the length of the 20-year marriage).

As always, in mediation, the parties are free to negotiate their own settlements. Mediators will inform their clients using the applicable formula to determine what the law provides, but then help them negotiate a settlement that best suits the needs of the parties and their families. Another option is to pre-determine maintenance pursuant to divorce by entering into a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement.

If you have any questions about maintenance, including whether it will be triggered in your circumstances, please reach out as I am happy to answer any questions that you may have.