How to Maintain a Positive Relationship with Your Ex-Spouse Post-Divorce

Divorce may end a marriage, but when children are involved—or when lives have been deeply intertwined for years—the relationship doesn’t simply disappear. Instead, it evolves. Whether you’re co-parenting or simply navigating a shared history, maintaining a respectful and cooperative relationship with your ex-spouse can make life easier, less stressful, and more fulfilling for everyone involved.

As a divorce mediator—and as someone who has been through divorce myself—I know how emotionally complex post-divorce relationships can be. But I also know they can be managed with grace and intention. Here are some practical tips to help you foster a positive dynamic with your ex—especially after a successful mediation:

1. Commit to Respectful Communication

You don’t need to be best friends, but you do need to be civil. Speak to your ex the way you’d want someone to speak to you. If emotions start to rise, take a pause before responding. Texts and emails can be helpful tools when face-to-face or phone conversations are challenging—just keep the tone clear, neutral, and focused on facts or logistics.

For co-parents, consider using a parenting app like Our Family Wizard, Talking Parents, or 2Houses. These tools help organize communication, scheduling, and documentation in one place, creating structure and reducing misunderstandings.

2. Stick to the Agreement

Your mediated agreement is more than a legal document—it’s a roadmap. Honor it. If you’ve agreed to certain parenting schedules, financial responsibilities, or communication protocols, follow through consistently. Predictability and reliability go a long way in rebuilding trust and avoiding future conflict.

However, if your schedules have shifted or the parenting arrangement no longer fits your family’s needs, don’t hesitate to raise it with your co-parent. You can try to adjust things collaboratively—or return to mediation for a supportive, neutral environment where both voices can be heard and respected.

3. Separate the Past from the Present

It’s tempting to revisit old arguments when new frustrations arise but resist the urge. What’s done is done. Post-divorce interactions should focus on current responsibilities and future goals—especially when it comes to your children.

If you find yourself struggling to let go of past pain, consider working with a therapist, a divorce coach, or another support professional. They can help you unpack the emotional weight of your marriage and give you tools to move forward without dragging the past into present-day exchanges with your ex.

4. Make Co-Parenting Child-Centered

Children thrive when they’re not caught in the crossfire. Let them love both of you freely. Share important updates. Coordinate routines when possible. Avoid bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids—even if they vent about them to you. Be the adult they can count on to rise above conflict.

Keep in mind the principles of the Children’s Bill of Rights, a document developed to help guide divorced and separated parents. Kids have the right to love both parents without guilt or pressure. They have the right not to be messengers or referees. They deserve the security of knowing their needs will be prioritized above adult grievances. When co-parents honor these rights, they foster emotional stability and resilience in their children.

5. Set Boundaries—and Respect Theirs

Healthy boundaries are key. Be clear with your ex about what works for you in terms of communication frequency, drop-offs, holidays, and more. If they set a boundary, honor it. Boundaries aren’t meant to shut people out—they’re meant to protect emotional well being and create clarity.

And remember, boundaries go both ways. If your ex expresses discomfort with certain topics or prefers a particular communication method, listen with respect. Showing that you’re willing to adapt—within reason—can help keep things civil and prevent future misunderstandings.

6. Let Go of the Need to “Win”

Divorce isn’t a competition. You don’t get extra points for being the more fun parent or the more successful co-parent. Let go of the scoreboard mentality. Cooperation—rather than control—is what creates long-term peace.

Instead of trying to prove a point or be “right,” focus on what actually works for your family. Ask yourself: will this matter in six months? A year? Most post-divorce tension comes from trying to re-litigate old battles. The real win is when your children feel secure, and you both feel respected.

If your co-parent asks for a change in the schedule—whether it’s a swap of days or help with coverage—my rule of thumb is simple: ask yourself, “Can I do this?” If the answer is yes, then your answer should be yes. Flexibility now builds goodwill for the future, and reinforces that this is still a team effort, even if the marriage has ended.

7. Give It Time

Healing isn’t linear, and post-divorce relationships take time to stabilize. Early bumps in the road are normal. Don’t panic if things don’t feel seamless right away.

Try to treat your post-divorce relationship like a new partnership—with patience, consistency, and clear expectations. Celebrate small wins: a calm conversation, a flexible schedule change, or your child coming home content after time with the other parent. These moments build trust over time and remind you that progress, not perfection, is the goal.

Final Thoughts

At Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, my goal is always to lay the foundation for long-term peace—not just to get you to the finish line of a divorce, but to help you build a workable future on the other side. And having been through divorce myself, I can assure you: peace after divorce is possible. It may not happen overnight, but with intention, patience, and mutual respect, it can absolutely be achieved.